The LORD is the portion of my inheritance and my cup;
You support my lot.
The lines have fallen to me in pleasant places;
Indeed, my heritage is beautiful to me.
[Psalm 16:5-6 NASB]
The past week or so has been difficult and wonderful all at the same time. Why, you wonder? Well, because I have been rejoicing in all that the Lord has done in my life. He has healed me and transformed in me in so many ways. It’s hard to even begin to describe to you all He has done in the last few years (although they have been the hardest years of my life).
Yet I’m also sad that I haven’t had a normal life. My life is far from normal in any way, and sometimes it makes me feel sort of separated from society in a strange way. I’ve had consistent pain for almost six years, something most 24-year-olds haven’t experienced much of yet. I don’t have a boyfriend or a husband. I don’t have kids. I have a really hard time being the bubbly, extroverted person everyone expects nowadays from people. I have a really hard time NOT being honest about what I’m feeling most of the time (and everyone else seems to have the “I’m acting like everything’s fine and I’m SOOOO happy” down so well). And then, of course, I’m a free spirit and a creative being–and I often feel very different simply because of that…
I don’t fit into society’s lines very well. I live and move and think and breath outside the box, and I always will do so.
And well, I guess I’ve started focusing on all the things that are “wrong” with me or that I don’t have. And I’ve been sad. I just feel…alone. Sometimes I want to shout–”I’m a person, too. Yes, I don’t fit inside all your little boxes. Yes, I’m sad sometimes. Yes, I can’t pretend like you all do that nothing is wrong (because it is). But I’m human and I want to be loved! Doesn’t that count for something?”
Lately, I’ve been aching for deep friendships. Friendships that don’t just stop at the level of talking about the latest movie or whatever. Friendships where we engage with each other in deep ways, where we go on adventures together, where we share our sorrows and our joys. I have a few friends like that in other parts of the world or country, but not many where I live in CO. Those friendships take time. Yet I’ve been here almost a year, and I still often feel as if I hardly really know anyone.
Anyway…I know I’m rambling tonight. But I guess it all boils down to this: I’ve just been feeling these aches in me lately. Aches to fit in. Aches to belong. Aches to be understood. Aches to be loved.
And God keeps constantly reminding me of this:
The LORD is the portion of my inheritance. He supports me. He has given me all my blessings. My heritage is beautiful. Truly, the lines have fallen in pleasant places for me. It really is the TRUTH. I mean, I live in CO. I am blessed with a full time job. I have a family–yes, we have our issues, but we still love each other. I have many amazing friends. I have a bed and clothes and food.
Why do I ache, then? Doesn’t anyone else feel those aches? Or am I alone in those, too?
Oh Lord, these aches point me to You.
These aches inside me point to the hunger I have for You. And when I feel these aches, I must draw to near to God–for He is the only One who can fill those vast caverns in my heart.
YOU are my portion. YOU are my inheritance. YOU are the strength of my heart.
The nearness of God is my good.
Oh Lord, draw near. Fill these aches. Let them point me back to You.
Nothing on earth can satisfy as You do.
You are my portion.
Whom have I in heaven but You?
And besides You, I desire nothing on earth.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
…The nearness of God is my good;
I have made the Lord GOD my refuge,
That I may tell of all Your works.
[Psalm 73:25-28 NASB]